The octopus sat limp on the floor. Tentacles splayed across tiles. Martin looked at it, then, with a shrug of his shoulders, reached down, grabbed the octopus by it’s squishy head and tossed it back into the fish tank. He shook his head in bewilderment. “Every damn day,” he muttered.
I don’t think SnowJob Inc will convey the right message to your customers.
Why? When I hear SnowJob I immediately think: snow removal service.
Um… it kinda sounds like…
Someone who gets the job done when it snows!
The snow removal job?
Why are you not getting this?
Nevermind.
I watched a video of cows today. They were dancing and multiplying. It was odd. I didn’t know why I was watching it. It just sorta came on. I guess it amused me in some way. Although, I spend very little time with cows. I’m really, really bored.
Be warned:
Your new Pet Dinosaur is no fun to clean up after and hard to potty train. Also, many pet dinosaurs make poor cuddling companions.
Your chances of death by suffocation, disembowelment, blunt force trauma, traumatic asphyxia, loss of blood due to loss of limb all increase about 94%.
The guys wanted a fun, outrageous night out, but had neither girls to meet, nor alcohol to be consumed. Board games proved lame, movies had been seen before, and no one took up Henry’s idea of streaking the neighborhood. So, in desperation, they opted, naturally, for human sacrifice. Sorry, Henry.
He called his parole officer a jerk, scratched at his ankle bracelet. The next guy detailed his gang tattoos. Another explained that he wasn’t actually trying to hit the man he had been shooting at.
For my turn, I spoke of getting caught in the park with a joint.
He lived in a little hut by the beach. Ate raw fish. Sipped rainwater from a barrel. Wove figurines from palm fronds. Had leathery skin, blotches of cancer. Never went into town, but was leader of the local Hemmingway book club, which met and drank wine coolers every Tuesday night.
Girls, I’m pregnant!
Awww good for you!
No, it’s terrible, it was totally unexpected!
Awww that stinks!
I don’t even know who the father is!
Awww a surprise!
I think I’ll just get an abortion!
Yay! We’ll make tea!
[sound of vomiting]
Whee! Doctor’s visit!
DECEASED: Ted Mickel, age 45. He leaves behind a loving wife, Molly. Ted served his family and country with conviction. He was an exemplary officer for the Orange county police department, who should not have eaten such a huge bite of prime rib without teaching his wife the Heimlich maneuver.
I believe that proper grammar and prose do not represent the only way to produce good writing. I believe that most readers do not know as much as we presume they know.
I am firm in my beliefs.
I am also a bitch who gets defensive when he is criticized.
The vending machine stuck. Fritos hung dangling from the coil. Shake, shake. The dollar insert slot was taped over. She was out of change, save for two nickels. Shake, shake. Shake, shake, shakeshakeshakeshake! A coworker walked by and slammed her face, nose first, into the machine. Blood gushed. Fritos fell.
Repeated poop jokes.
Hide and seek.
Hanging scribble on a refrigerator and calling it “art”.
Crayons.
Collecting smoothed rocks.
Hanging upside down.
Poking people in the ass with chopsticks.
Watching the same episode of the same show every day of the week.
Relay races.
Screaming in a high pitch.
Adults.
Hurgot, King of all Gypsies, stood and spoke to the crowd. His impassioned speech lasted exactly fifteen hours, forty-two minutes and seventeen seconds. He raised his fist passionately. Jowels shook with vigor. Finally, he stopped and bowed with a flourish. The crowd had wandered on to the next town.
Silence.
“Honestly babe, I swear, she means nothing to me. Nothing! It’s just that you’ve been busy lately, and I’ve been super lonely, and, and… She understands me! But, that’s all!”
Silence.
“I’m serious!”
Silence.
“Ok, fine. I fucked her. But, I’m really sorry!”
He found a credit card on the ground. Used it at the local drugstore. Next, the local supermarket. No questions asked. He didn’t care about the card’s owner. He couldn’t afford to. He couldn’t afford anything. He couldn’t afford to live. He’s still a sonofabitch.